Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Baby, I wished the words you wanted to tell me were face-to-face because with time..even though you sounded so serious, I will never get the reassurance that this was the best way to go for the both of us. But today is just a day that I will remember and laugh at how I thought that you were just fooling around with your dad, especially when you will be gone for a while from here. And no one knows what I really am...and this is probably the choice you will regret making.

It never occurred to me that your actions were planned for the way it is, but they all fit perfectly now.

Concluding this amazing Semester 1. I can say that I was blessed with help from my senior and he provided a series of eye-openers that no one will ever give to me. A senior who has been undergoing one major setback in his life which made him appear to have altered his self-esteem and confidence in life to reach his expectations. With a mind of his own, I have walked through a dark side of myself whilst I was hanging out with him. There are situations to which my friends would never imagine me being tangled into. In fact, it was these experiences to which I was never prepared for that have made a significant impact to my life for this semester. And now, with circumstances changed, I have time to reflect but still able to move on.

People change with time, don't they? But the thing I never got to comprehend was the cold demeanor he was showing since exams started and now, done. It felt nothing like the friend I met. Nothing of the friend I once knew. His words became blunt and crude. I felt like I had committed a huge mistake whilst studying for the final semester exams. All I feel now, is guilt for actions I never knew what I did. And this is the time, when both my friend and I felt...he has changed. But don't you think it's strange to why I would write just a post all revolving around him?

I am truly grateful for all the help he rendered while I moved into a unit to which I had to set up Internet, electricity and buying of furniture. I felt so lost and aimless for the whole half of the semester and he had always been there to lend a hand and bring me to places to get stuffs for home. The gratitude can never be shown just with merely a simple thanks. I owe it all to him.

...All the way till what I see in front of me now, scared me. The friend I face now felt like he was being taken over by depression. Ripped from cheerfulness, even though it had been months since the last incidence. I failed to become someone whom he can turn and talk to. I wished I was able to do more than to stand by and watch him stand up from his fall. People say time heals everything, but actually, it really isn't the case. I know it can be really difficult to collect yourself from falling so hard and yet, face the difficulty of coping with these emotions which forbid you to overcome your feelings for her. At this stage, there is simply no reason for you to hold on and just let the memory be safekept and move on. Take it as a turning point in life. There are always reasons to which you are unable to account for because I ain't that close to you, but I really hope that you can be truthful to yourself. Do not let her short walk-in to your life be the reason to destroy what you're capable of showing of yourself. And no matter what happens, I will always be someone you can turn to.


Words hold much impact. I question the credibility of your words and you always shoot back at me with question marks. I despise having to answer questions on questions I pose. Having to keep guessing what you actually meant to have said. It is finally time I decided to take a step back from you now. Because whenever we talk about this topic, I feel so helpless and hopelessness just overwhelmed my conscience. It really is the black hole. I never felt so demoralised. I never felt so evil in my heart and mind to criticise every sentence you type. Whenever you ask a question, it felt like your responses have instilled in me a devil's mindset. The intentions to drown you in complete depression and pulling you deeper into the depths of darkness. I never managed to figure out the reason why, but I know that my responses were never meant to be phrased that way if I were comforting someone else. So I don't understand why.

I am probably here typing this post to reflect on what I have done. To reflect why my actions were specially cruel to you...even I am very much aware of.

And the words I wish to put through to you: I really understand how much you are being put through, and it is definitely hundred times more damaging. In sem 1, I probably walked you through 4 months before you decided that a cold shoulder was the best to act out against me and possibly your friends too. That is fine. Just remember that I'll never abandon you as a friend and I will still watch you stand up no matter how slow you pick up yourself from there. And even if you will never know, I will cheer for you when you have finally pulled yourself past this ordeal. I am sorry that I cannot offer you more than what I can now. My mind can't distinguish what's best to type for you and what's not. For now, reflection is key.

Reflecting back, I had 6 important people who have been my encouragement this semester...and especially my dear coursemates. It would have been easier to recount it person-by-person, but in general, this semester was filled with light-hearted joy, laughter and surprises.

A story left to be told.